Tag Archive for: children

It’s possibly one of the most difficult aspects of a separation: co-parenting with your not-so-significant other. As a divorced mother of four-year-old twins, I am no stranger to co-parenting (or attempts at it). Here are some tips collated from my own experience as well as from my family law clients who are navigating the same:

1. Remember: it’s not about you

Often so much has happened between you and your ex-partner at the point of separation, and afterwards, that it is difficult to imagine your children having a positive relationship with that person. Their actions may be unforgiveable for you. But unless there are significant issues of risk and a threat to your child’s safety, very often co-parenting is about putting your issues with the other parent aside and remembering: Parenting is not about you; it is about your children. You are both their parents, and they love you both, and want to be loved and cared for by each of you.

Try to compartmentalise what has happened between you and your ex-partner, and any negative feelings you may have towards them. Instead, focus on the primary aim of co-parenting, namely, to enable your children to have a positive and blossoming relationship with both of their parents, whom they love very much. Children are often at the centre of their parent’s wrath and research shows that exposing children to conflict can have negative effects on their mental health and development.

2. Learn the art of compromise

All separated parents experience this: “sorry, I can’t do this weekend because of X,Y,Z, can I change my weekend with the kids to next weekend?” Cue red-faced me, having already planned my child-free weekend, now having to change all my plans and swallowing a response like “no, too bad”.

Remember, compromise can be your friend. In a months’ time when YOU are the one who has that event or appointment and you need to swap days or you want to spend a specific day with the children that happens to be on the other parent’s time, you will need the other parent on your side.

3. Have clear and consistent arrangements in place where possible

This is where we come in. Children thrive on clear and consistent parenting arrangements; they know what’s happening when, and Mum and Dad aren’t fighting at the school gate about who is going to take them home. There’s often a period where that’s not possible; perhaps you’ve just separated and you are trialling what works between you. That’s ok so long as when you find what works, you draft a clear and thorough arrangement that you both understand. This can be in the form of a parenting plan, or parenting Orders sealed by the Court. The key is to be detailed: detail what will happen with changeovers, how will your arrangements re-start after school holidays, have some fall-back arrangements if you are unable to agree. It is always better to be proactive than reactive.

When you both have a written document to work off, you don’t need as much back and forth between you, and it can reduce snarky arguments about who has the children when or what time pick up is.

4. Try to be open and transparent in your communication

This is really important. If you don’t communicate when school events occur, what day is sports day, when a child has a fever or didn’t go to school today because they had a stomach bug, co-parenting quite simply will not work. The best way to communicate is freely and without conflict, but that is not always possible. Many of our clients are assisted by a parenting App such as Our Family Wizard. This has a communication function and a calendar function where you can input your respective times with the children and any other significant dates. Communicating openly and transparently enables a smoother co-parenting arrangement and can reduce conflict.

5. Don’t micromanage: try to Let It Go

This one is HARD. My ex has a habit of giving the children lollies in the morning. It gets me every time. But in the grand scheme of things, a red frog is not going to de-rail their health or development, so unless there are real issues of risk I often need to tell myself to Let. It. Go.  (yes, I just referenced Frozen: four year old kids, remember).

If you allow yourself to get hung up on what the children are eating or doing with the other parent, or the other parent being 15 minutes late bringing the children home, you risk creating a breeding ground of mistrust and an unhealthy power dynamic, neither being good for an amicable co-parenting relationship. You and your ex may have different parenting styles; you also will be now leading different lives. You may well not agree on whether lollies can be given in the a.m. Equally, they may not agree on you allowing the children to eat on the lounge (guilty). But these are not issues of risk. Arguing over them can throw compromise out the window (see Tip 2), but more importantly, this can create conflict that the children will often pick up on.

Finally, go easy on yourself!

Separation is a traumatic experience, made all the more difficult when children are involved. Co-parenting is far from easy no matter how amicable the situation. Go easy on yourself. Seek help when you need it. It is hard, but trust me, it does get better.

If you need legal advice on parenting, property or divorce matters upon separation, please do not hesitate to contact us on 95 235 535. We are more than happy to help, and our extensive experience in family law matters enables us to provide a high quality service designed for your needs.

This article was written by our Family Law Solicitor, Dr Laura Tilt.

Choosing a Family Lawyer is a crucial decision, here are 5 things to consider:

1. Expertise

Ensure your lawyer specialises in Family Law. They should be familiar with the complexities and nuances of this field. Seeking the assistance of an accredited specialist in the field will ensure that you have someone with specialised knowledge.

2. Communication

The lawyer should be able to explain legal jargon in plain English and keep you updated on your case. The law is complex and a good lawyer will explain it in a way that you are not overwhelmed or lost in the process

3. Comfort

You should feel at ease discussing personal matters with your lawyer. Trust and comfort are key. It is not uncommon for us to meet clients who “just did not feel right” with their initial lawyer or who felt misunderstood. It is important to find the right fit when that person will be advocating for you.

4. Cost

Understanding the fees and ensuring there is transparency around them is really important in making any decision about who your lawyer will be.

5. Reputation

Check their track records and reviews. A good reputation in the legal community is a positive sign. It will also give you some comfort that others have been assisted by this individual.

We have a team of 7 lawyers at Southern Waters Legal who all practice solely in Family Law, 2 of those lawyers are senior accredited specialists in this area. Please do not hesitate to contact us should you require any assistance in relation to your family law matter, including an initial free 15 minute consultation.

Call us on 02 9523 5535 to have a confidential discussion, or email us at info@southernwaters.com.au to organise a call back at a time that is suitable for you.

 

 

The COVID-19 pandemic and associated restrictions may have prevented us from being able to do many things, however updating your parenting orders to reflect your current situation is not one of them.

On 25 August 2021, the proposed pet by-laws were officially legislated as part of the Strata Schemes Management Act 2015 (SSMA Act) making the keeping of pets in strata schemes a whole lot easier for animal-lovers.

My former partner lives in one of the LGA’s of concern, do I still have to facilitate our parenting arrangement?

Take a look at Leona’s update on mediation. Even with restrictions, matters are moving forward.
Remember, if you have any questions regarding your circumstances, please get in touch with us on 9523 5535.

When parents are separated, communicating with each other can sometimes be difficult.  Emotions are high and arrangements need to be made for the children but parents are still human and still feel the hurt associated with the breakdown of a relationship.  That said, responsible parents need to find ways to co-parent harmoniously and with the children front of mind.  These days, there is technology that can assist separated parents with their communication if face-to-face communication proves to be difficult.

If you are a separated parent and having difficulty communicating about your children, here are some helpful apps you might like to trial:

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It is no secret that communication is the key to a healthy relationship.  However, communication is also key to a healthy (insofar as it can be healthy) separation.  A breakdown in communication during a relationship can lead to separation and a breakdown in communication whilst going through a separation can lead to heightened emotional stress and difficulties being able to resolve your matter.

As such, we have set out below, our 10 top tips for communicating better with your ex in no particular order:

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