Navigating life as a separated or single parent brings its own set of challenges, which may leave you feeling exhausted and low in emotional resilience. Juggling and separating your feelings about your ex-partner with a child’s feelings about the other parent is challenging.
The phrases and language we use post-separation can either empower our children or inadvertently reinforce negative beliefs that may diminish our children’s emotional resilience and self-esteem. Let’s delve into five toxic phrases that separated parents should avoid, and how to reframe these conversations to foster a positive environment for your children.
Phrase #1: “Your father/mother is useless with money.”
When tensions run high post-separation, it’s easy to vent frustrations about financial matters. However, casting blame on your ex-partner in front of your children can instill a sense of instability and anxiety. Instead, focus on discussing financial responsibilities calmly and constructively. For instance, you might say, “We have different ways of handling money, but we both work hard to provide for you. Let’s talk about how we can budget for things together.”
Phrase #2: “I can’t do this alone.”
Feeling overwhelmed is natural during times of transition, but voicing this sentiment to your children can inadvertently burden them with your emotional struggles. Instead, emphasise your strength and resilience: “It’s challenging to juggle everything, but I’m learning new ways to manage. We are like Dory – we just keep swimming!”
Phrase #3: “Your father/mother is selfish and only thinks about themselves.”
Encourage empathy and understanding: “Everyone has different needs and perspectives. Let’s try to understand where they’re coming from.”
Phrase #4: “Your father/mother never cared about us.”
Instead, focus on positive aspects of the co-parenting relationship: “Your father/mother loves you very much, and we both want what’s best for you.” “Your dad/mum is great at helping you with football practice/cooking/homework”
Phrase #5: “I don’t know how we’ll make ends meet.”
Financial worries are common post-separation, but expressing hopelessness can instil fear in your children. Instead, focus on proactive steps: “We’re making adjustments to our spending so we can manage our expenses better. It might be tough for a while, but we’re working on it together.” “It’s good to have a goal and save for this, let’s set a goal”.
Phrase #6: “I can’t believe your father/mother did that. They’re so irresponsible.”
Reframe to maintain respect: “We may have different ways of doing things, but your father/mother is learning and growing just like we all are.”
Phrase #7: “Your father/mother always causes problems.”
Foster understanding and empathy: “Sometimes we have disagreements, but we’re working on finding solutions that work for everyone and remember that the most important thing is we both love you very much”.
Phrase 8: “Don’t tell your mother/father anything we did and discussed.”
Children need to feel safe across both homes which includes the flow of information. Just as you don’t want to use them as a messenger, you do not want them to feel they live in two separate worlds that cannot cross over.
Aiming to provide a child-centered approach when communicating with our children on difficult topics, can promote a healthier co-parenting environment and protect children from being caught in the middle of parental conflicts. By choosing our words carefully and fostering open, supportive communication, we can empower our children to navigate the challenges of separation with resilience and optimism. This can assist in helping our children build a future where they feel secure, loved, and capable of overcoming any obstacles that come their way.
